Cause and Effect

The letter below was written in response to my blogpost “Our Human Commonality.” The writer has several questions and points she wishes to have clarified. Though I have not had time to address each point, I have attempted to elucidate my thoughts, somewhat. I hope that this offers some relief to the writer, at least, in having her ideas profiled. It is always my sincerest wish to make a positive difference to any concerns directed my way. Please bear with my pace in responding.

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... in reply to your blogpost “Our Human Commonality”, I have a few things to say/ask/comment on.

1. "Whatever another’s behavior is, it is relevant to you only in how you interpret it and pertinent, only in how you allow it to affect you."

Here I'm reminded of how my grade school teachers would tell me not to be bothered by or complain about the boys that were pulling my hair and insulting me (and eventually, when older, sexually abusing me and my fellow female-classmates) because they were doing so to get my attention because they liked me. My negative mind says, "Feelings of anger, sadness, feelings of being mistreated are not okay, because they are feelings that YOU yourself choose to have. You choose how you let others affect you, therefore, if you're hurt, it's you own fault."

2. "If you are treated unkindly or hurtfully or if another’s action leaves you troubled or confused, try to check your anger, frustration or impatience. Perhaps it is beneficial to understand the behavior by the motive – not with judgment, but with compassion. It is possible that anyone who feels it necessary to be unkind may be fearful, in pain himself, or, at least, momentarily misdirected in his understanding of his interaction with the universe."

Aha, so feelings of anger, feelings of being hurt are okay! They must be. But ah, of course, if treated badly, I must try to understand the one who I interpret as having treated me badly through compassion. It is true, many of the people who have hurt me, I can see that they did it because they were in pain themselves, because they were misguided, and so on. But, being the person that I am, and as I feel I was (again) taught to do at an early age in school, I take on responsibility for the whole situation. "______, be the mature one and walk away when the boys are spitting on you. They will grow out of it, but you're such a mature little girl, you know how silly their behavior is. Just walk away."

I don't allow myself to be hurt, because I know that I must be understanding with the one who hurt me. And I do understand them, they are very misguided and in pain, anger, frustration. But I still don't stand up for myself, because I feel that I should be mature, responsible, understanding. I take on responsibility and guilt for the whole situation, because the ones that hurt me “are not able to take responsibility, they are treating me badly because they don't know better.” I don't allow myself to be a victim. EVER. That's the last thing I'd do. My mind says: “Never be a victim. You choose to be a victim, so don't victimize yourself, that is pathetic and selfish. If you choose to be a victim then you are creating a reason for being a victim, thus, you are creating the problem, you are the cause of the problem because you interpret it as there being a problem.” When instead, I know the message (a good one btw) that you want to tell me is simply, “be understanding, compassionate, and forgiving with those that hurt you.”

I very much feel that this is one of my biggest problems, and a huge obstacle for me in conquering my own mind and finding a peaceful, compassionate, healthy state of mind. I think the fact is that people who are sensitive and responsible from an early age, learn to be responsible for everything so much that we are never allowed to be victims, when in fact, sometimes you really are a victim. We let others mistreat us, because we take on ALL the responsibility of the situation instead of putting some of the responsibility on other people. Because others DO affect you, and you affect others. Just like you say later on, we are one, hurting others is to hurt yourself. And I believe, so very strongly, that we are affected by others, we can't choose not to be.

Many self-help books, and in my opinion much of Buddhist thinking, AND your philosophy as I've interpreted it, promote this idea that one is only affected by others in the way one chooses to be affected. Basically, I think the philosophy holds much truth and wisdom. But I also disagree, because I think you're missing one point, one very important point. For people with CNC especially, I think there's a key ingredient missing. People with CNC (at least those who are like me) need to learn to STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES and to demand responsibility of others. That is the best kind of love, the kind of love that doesn't let you get away with doing hurtful things. It's not just about learning not to let others have a negative affect on you, it's about learning not to have negative events take you over, accept them, be hurt by them, forgive, move on, but also, because we are all connected, and because our actions DO affect others, what we must learn is also to encourage and ask others to treat us nicely. We have to expect good behavior not just from ourselves, but from others too! Unfortunately, I feel that the advice that is often given about “choosing how others affect you”, “choosing how you interpret things”, “learning to interpret things objectively”, accidently becomes yet another imperative to sensitive, responsible individuals to take on yet MORE responsibility. ....of course, this has to do with how one interprets this advice...(*sighs*...oh, the complicated twisting and turning of it all.)

It is so easy for the negative mind to turn this philosophy into another torturing voice of, “see, you're responsible for this, the guilt is all yours.” That's why I think it is so important to mention in there somewhere, that, others CAN hurt you, and then, you must try to understand through compassion why, but you must also not accept people doing mean things. You must ask more of them. Because, as you say in the end:

3. "If we hurt others, we hurt ourselves. If we hurt ourselves, we hurt others. When we demean ourselves, it extends to all of us."

So we can't let others hurt us either, because then they are hurting themselves too! Do you see what I mean? I feel, as always, that I haven't had the time to formulate myself very well... but I'm hoping that you will understand, that my thought will somehow get across even if I can't express it that well...

What I liked so much about your book “The Secret Language of Eating Disorders” was that it removes guilt. Not only from the victim of the negative mind, but from everyone (since family members and friends also become victims) surrounding the victim. And yes, I say victim, because I feel that at times, we are victims, and when it comes to the negative mind, one is certainly a victim. Even though I know that the idea of removing “victimization” is to empower people and make them feel that they have the power to take control of their lives. For me, the idea of never being a victim rather encourages the idea that I am responsible for everything in the world. I don't need to be empowered, I know that I have the power to control my life, I need to learn that I don't have the power or responsibility to control the universe.

But yeah, as I was saying, I liked how you encourage the removal of guilt in your book. I think, if one doesn't get rid of the idea of guilt, one gets stuck, and can never learn to truly be responsible. One can never be empowered until one realizes that being in control of your life doesn't mean being guilty when things go wrong.

The second thing I liked about your book, was that it made me feel that it was okay to feel like a victim. Sadly, I do see a lot of what-to-call-it...”over-victimizing” oneself, putting guilt on others, and so on, among sufferers of CNC and eating disorders. And this one must learn not to do.... It's definitely important. But still, what I'm missing in all these wise words that try to teach me about how to be objective and so on.... I miss something that deals with the idea of standing up for yourself, of telling others who hurt you that what they do hurts. I miss the idea that all feelings are allowed, the idea that we don't choose our feelings to ALL extent, even if we can in some respect. Please, all feelings must be allowed. Otherwise, they get stuck, fixated and I can't let go of them... (not including the feelings that the negative mind tricks me into ofc... but feelings of anger and sadness must be allowed and accepted as part of human nature! Then, of course, one has a choice what to do with those feelings. Let it out in art, deal with it so that you can let it go, or go punch someone are all ways, some better than others I'd say...)

... I hope you will understand and consider what I've tried to say ... I still admire you for the wise and loving philosophy that you promote.

Love,

______________

I apologize if I was unclear about your right to the validation of your emotions. Certainly, your pain, your trouble, your experience should be voiced – but – I reiterate, to someone who can intervene effectively with your violators. For your best interest, as well as theirs, had your grade school classmates been appropriately taken to task at the time – for “spitting and hair pulling,” they would perhaps not have gone on to hurt you and your friends more seriously later.

Logically, what does “standing up” for yourself mean? By understanding someone’s behavior, how does it follow that you would assume their guilt or take responsibility for them? Each of us is an inadvertent victim of circumstance at some point in our lives. Many crises are the result of misunderstandings. Negative assumptions are contrary to solutions.

Imagine you as a small child, having been stung by a wasp. It is momentarily painful physically – emotionally, as well, if you subjectively think that the wasp did it to you.

‘Why did the wasp pick me to sting’? ‘Was I a bad girl, mommy’?

Understanding actions by understanding motives can take away some of the pain you feel. It ceases to be personal. In this case, looking to the nature of wasps will reduce and, perhaps, alleviate emotional involvement. There are several possible realities at work here. The first step to wellness is to be aware of the problem. The second step is to be aware of your intended result and the steps needed to attain it.

Being sensitive does not mean being powerless. Having power does not mean being confrontational.

Even though we cannot always choose our interactions, our individual power allows us to choose our responses.

To demand responsibility of others may not have the effect you are seeking. Nicely, encouraging  and asking others to treat us nicely, is always an option. But, again, their response is a product of their individual reality and their interpretation of events. Truth is only truth in the context of its speaker. Borrowed truth – out of context – can become a lie.

I agree that the Negative Mind would rather construe and translate anything said to mean something detrimental to, or about you. The Negative Mind has no mandate and no ability to offer you anything but criticism about yourself. It is merely programmed to ‘search and destroy.’ Your ‘status quo’ needs to be re-informed.

If (single quotes from my blog Our Human Commonality) “… the advice that is often given about ‘choosing how others affect you’, ‘choosing how you interpret things’, ‘learning to interpret things objectively’, accidently becomes yet another imperative to sensitive, responsible individuals to take on yet MORE responsibility…” as you indicate, it is not the advice given, but rather, the inaccurate thinking that needs to be corrected, gently, lovingly.

In an ideal world, with proper parental regulation early in life, the small child will develop an emotional realization so that life does not necessarily present subjectively. The reality is that your bullies’ actions were more about their limited empathy than anything to do with you. Bullies and abusers generally feel powerless. Your reaction, if in anger or frustration, gives them a ‘power fix,’ and in turn, does exactly what you would wish to avoid. Reactions will condone the negative worthiness of their actions and perhaps, as a consequence, compel them to continue in their offensive manner. Possibly, if their negative actions have been responded to with clear boundaries set by appropriate authorities, it may have given them a sense of security and an indication that someone cared enough to teach them right from wrong.

Consider a small child, needing attention but being ignored. She may turn to deviant behaviors because, albeit negatively, at least, she is now being noticed.

Every action or lack thereof, is a lesson. Each has a consequence. Feelings of anger and sadness are indeed, very human emotions that we all feel from time to time. However, negative emotions are, effectively, a neurotoxin. For better brain health and better health generally, allow your emotions to air, certainly, but in a way that is conducive to positive change.

Respect in communication is emotional ecology.

The universe wins.

Peace and Love.

You Cannot Fail

You cannot "fail" unless someone is measuring. Are you measuring yourself? If so, why? It is logical to self-assess in order to proceed, but attempt to do so with objectivity and kindness.

You are unique, in so many ways – appreciate your differences. 'Relapse' may mean that you were never better in the first place. When you are well, your attitude about people and yourself is not about competition or ‘measuring up' – it becomes about helping to create understanding wherever possible. There are no walls, nor defenses needed – only understanding and compassion, only love and kindness.

“When you genuinely want everyone to be ok,” there is so much room for ‘self’ because, though we are all individuals, we are also all part of the whole. Therefore, giving to others is automatically giving to ourselves. It is important to gently taking the time to allow yourself into the equation of caring, just as you so willingly nurture others. If you honor yourself respectfully, you are giving happiness to others.

It is in the giving that we receive – it is in the receiving that we give.

Enjoy your day.

Peace and hugs.

Our Human Commonality

Dear People - this post is, in part, answering recent comments to my posts, "Top of the Mountain." (Anonymous said..."So if I always have to be objective when do I just get to cry? ..."), and "Time and Healing" (Anonymous said... "... the in between place ...").

Of course, your ‘feelings’ are important and should be validated. But for the best results, check that you motive is to enhance and clarify your understanding – to improve a situation for yourself and others. Respectful communication, though not always possible, is a viable place to begin.

Life can never be 'equal' when measured in competition with others. 
Our only contest is to realize our own potential - in loving consciousness of our human commonality.

Whatever another’s behavior is, it is relevant to you only in how you interpret it and pertinent, only in how you allow it to affect you. Not one of us is able to be objective in every situation. Allow for this fact in yourself, as well as in the people you interact with. To ‘perfect’, is a work in progress – a learning, a gleaning of wisdom throughout our lives. Therefore, think of each of us as a work in progress.

If you are treated unkindly or hurtfully or if another’s action leaves you troubled or confused, try to check your anger, frustration or impatience. Perhaps it is beneficial to understand the behavior by the motive – not with judgment, but with compassion. It is possible that anyone who feels it necessary to be unkind may be fearful, in pain himself, or, at least, momentarily misdirected in his understanding of his interaction with the universe. Anger can mean several things: fear, insecurity, defensiveness, lack of conviction of one’s own validity, etc. We are all capable of reacting. Though to a certain extent, how you behave is your prerogative, be certain that you will be comfortable with the consequences.

In becoming well, the ‘in between place’ is indeed a difficult space to contend with. You will often be misunderstood as you take your first independent steps. Perhaps, people in your circumstance may find your behavior unpredictable or unusual, for you, and are concerned for your wellbeing. Work with them to indicate that you are beginning to feel safe and have patience as they change gears.

In an ideal world, despite myriad differences, everyone would operate from a base of self-respect. As I comprehend its meaning, inherent in one’s respect for ‘self’ is a respect for others. Living from an ethical premise, automatically, naturally, includes the wellbeing of others. If we hurt others, we hurt ourselves. If we hurt ourselves, we hurt others. When we demean ourselves, it extends to all of us.

Without respect for ‘self,’ it is difficult to gauge appropriate behavior. Without the full realization of ‘self’, it is difficult to appropriately gauge behavior – ours, or that of others.

Whether locally or globally, each of us struggles to understand our environment from the moment we are born, and perhaps before. Each of us struggles to understand ourselves, and our interaction with others within that environment. Ultimately, we all strive for a balanced mind-state, a peace of being that embodies: positivity, acceptance, optimism, understanding, kindness, compassion, love and forgiveness – of ourselves, and others. Ideally, our individual journey proceeds toward the objective of understanding our universe and working in communion with it.

Whatever the experience, each one of us is simultaneously both a student and a teacher. Are you at peace with your interaction with humanity today?

Peace and love you.

Which One Do You Feed?

I am writing this in response to a Comment that I have received to a previous Post I wrote entitled “Accolades”.

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looking around every bit of my body screams wicked loud like the voice in my head which right now is oddly only a murmur. a white board on the wall that matches the cast on my leg says Sunday and i wonder for an instant and then it hits, a hospital room. foggy, foggy, memory, final inning, i've snapped the ball high and straight and i'm running hard, always running toward another something. screams serve to drown the beast in my mind as i dig in harder. the catcher reaches up and in a split second i decide to slide in under rather than eat the dirt. all i hear are cheers but i'm engulfed suddenly by the crack of something else and pain, so much pain and then the dark. voices in the hall now, my brother and another man. "Osteopenia, but she's only 13! What's WRONG with her?" the machine marking out my heartbeats picks up the pace, Mum wakes & the hate i feel toward myself returns. trying to just be normal i search my drugged mind for something to say while the tube interferes with my voice. "did we win, Mum?" "What?" "the game, did we win?" i croak back. tears brim high up to her pupils and she says "of course honey, you're my little winner." and i have to look away, try not to feel her hand in mine because all i can hear is the abrupt laughter of the voice repeating SOME WINNER over and over. and i know NOTHING will be good enough again because now they all know. nothing i can dream to say will be normal so i just get quiet for another twenty some years. and i dare not pray for him to leave me just in case like an ugly virus he would go on to infect someone better than i will ever be.
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Yes, and were I to tell you that your writing is extremely moving, my sentiment would, undoubtedly, join the ranks of other compliments you have received, as the negativity in your mind continues to twist a plus into a minus.

Understand clearly that you are not at fault for how your thinking developed. You were unaware of its process. However, once you come to understand its inception, with help and encouragement, you can make yourself available to arrest and alter its negative course.

You do “dare to pray” for the negative mind to leave you because, though it is definitely ugly, it is not a “virus”. It is a mental construct, a misinformed mindset, which requires re-informing to reform correctly. To say “someone better than i will ever be” confirms the negative pathway in your brain. It is essential to learn to practice positivity and kindness about yourself.

One evening when I was giving a lecture, a therapist in the audience asked me if I had heard the story of a boy in a Native American village, who was walking back and forth talking to himself. When asked by a visitor the reason for this curious behavior, the Shaman answered:
“Inside the mind of the youth, there is a struggle – between the red dog and the blue dog.”

With some concern, the perturbed visitor questioned “But which one will win?”

The Shaman wisely responded: “Whichever one he feeds.”

Make every day that passes count in your favor. With comprehension, caring, compassion and courage, this transition – from negativity to positivity, can be made. Be tolerant with yourself, the process, and with the possible unawareness of others. Patience is a special gift of this experience.

p.s. you are loved.

Time and Healing

In history, there are many individual examples of the human spirit rising above the norm for the betterment of the universal good.

They are my guides.

Currently, there are those of you whose selfless consideration of others, excludes your “self” in the recipe.

You are my inspiration – my work.

Your extraordinary potential needs to be brought to a place of balance, wholeness, understanding, self-respect, serenity, peace and love.

Time, in itself, is irrelevant. It is an allotted space where we conduct life – where our journey continues, resolved or semi-resolved, realized or not, to the end of our days. Each journey is a collection of jours, each day a page for you, the writer, to dictate your own story. It is a blessed opportunity to learn from and appreciate, even though you may not feel or realize it at the time. Be open to change if you wish it. Try not to be fearful. Each moment is a gift to learn more about yourselves, your actions, your reactions and then, to evaluate your further course.

The time it takes to heal is as easy, or as difficult, as it is to learn a new language. This learning depends upon the dedication to your direction, acceptance of yourself – at whatever stage you find yourself on your unique voyage – focus, understanding, and the willingness to step outside of what you know of yourself at that moment. It depends, as well, on the vision, consistency and compassion of your chosen teacher(s).

Time, then, and healing, can be measured only in relation to self-acceptance, not to be compared with others. We are always growing in our capacity for compassion and human understanding. When the pain lessens, as it will, you will still grow, you will become one with your “self”, easily – in this lifetime

Remember, each one of us is a necessary and precious piece of the conundrum and wisdom of the universe.

Peace and love.

The unCivil War

Dear Jennifer – in answer to your question:

The negative mind exists in memory, from what it has gleaned about you, inadvertently, from you, as a result of your perceptions about yourself, initially derived from feelings you have had in your particular circumstance.

Sometimes, sensitive children are negatively affected when families experience personal tragedy, illness or loss. These children have not yet a reference for strength against adversity and become mired in helplessness without available respite or positive resolution. Sometimes, parents themselves have not had the benefit of a positive environment and, as a result, are incapable of managing their own direction or knowing how to show love, or how to be a healthy parent.

Unfortunately, a young child does not have the ability to choose, to regulate, to defend against, to discount or approve – what he is subjected to emotionally by tone, by circumstance, by body language, word or action. The infant or young child looks to his primary caregiver to serve as a guide for direction and comfort – for indication that the world is a safe place to be in. Initially, anxiety states occur when there is a deficit or an inadequacy in reassurance or, in the nurturing of the developing brain. Parental regulation and approval is basic and mandatory for a child’s emotional growth and, ultimately, for the acceptance of his developing self.

If the potentially positive direction of a child’s world has been compromised, the child is at serious risk of assuming a negative self-regard and identity. As the child continues to grow, he can unconsciously seek evidence to support or verify his detrimental self-belief, even while simultaneously hoping desperately for someone to contradict his bleak negative supposition. This thinking becomes the status quo – the way of being.

Fortunately, though it is initially resistant, the brain can change.

The thinking is resistant because its existing way of being has, most likely, taken a lifetime to develop.

It is resistant because the sufferer doesn’t think he deserves better.

It is resistant because the sufferer is convinced that, “if people really knew him”, they would realize how terrible he is deep down.

The thinking is resistant because the sufferer has felt this way for so long, it is all he knows of himself, despite how demeaning it is.

It is resistant – to change because it is a thinking pattern that has become established and familiar. He can’t imagine who he would be without it.

Though it is terrifying to live in this negative place, the unknown is often also terrifying. In order to maintain its status, the negative mind will threaten, insult and demean in its attempt to weaken one’s resolve. When the existing negative mind feels threatened, it doubles its efforts to maintain control. The consequence to the sufferer can be a temporary loss of courage. To stay ahead of the negative mind takes patience, persistence, practice, vision, understanding and resolve. Eventually, with unconditional support and compassion from those in your world, the brain will retrain itself and the negative will simply cease to exist. It is harder than anything you will ever do, but it is possible and the results mean freedom and peace.

Know that you are understood and loved. You are special.

The Invitation

Dear Friends:

I was recently contacted by the author of The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, who kindly pointed out that the version of her poem that I have had posted here is an alteration of the original. Rather than post the corrected version in its place, as she graciously suggested, I would like to do Oriah the favor of sending you to her site to experience more of her work and vision.

Please visit Oriah Mountain Dreamer at:

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com

Much love and have a wonderful day.

Relapse

Sad little voices write to me, or talk to me:

*******

“I have relapsed again.”

“I am now 38 years old and suffering a relapse, after one of the girls I was helping died directly from Anorexia.”

“I feel that hospitals mainly place an emphasis on re-feeding the patient to fatten them up and do not focus so much on deeply attacking the underlying issues of the disorder itself. I think this is why the relapse rate is so high for eating disorders.”

“I just got out of the hospital after a two-month stay, for my sixth time. Unfortunately, I've spiraled into another relapse and am not doing so well and looking at a possible readmission.”

“I don't want people with any diagnosis to be stuck to a lifetime of outpatient therapy. Yet, it seems to me, the way they are taught in this field--plus the restrictions of providing services in this country equates to minimal efficacy and chronic relapse of any symptom.”

“I have struggled, and am still struggling, immensely. I was ashamed to say this. OCD makes some days a living hell. Treatment after treatment, I have come out and relapsed.”

“My daughter was first diagnosed in 2004 and has relapsed during the past 12 months.”

*******

What I sense over and over again is the shame of the sufferer; the embarrassment of the sufferer; the guilt of the sufferer for having ‘failed’ again.

How wrong is this!!!?

How hopeless is this!!!?

In Latin, “relapse” is defined as ‘a gradual slide back to a former state.’

In the most common language offered to sufferers of the symptomatology of ‘Confirmed Negativity Condition’, relapse suggests wellness existed before the slide back into illness.

Every intuitive sense in my body, every logical conclusion based on evidence that I have seen, tells me the opposite. In my experience, to do with these conditions, there is no such thing as ‘relapse’. Wellness can only be attainted if the condition (and its symptoms) is properly addressed—and then only if it is properly understood. Wellness—meaning positivity, objectivity in emotional maturity—can only exist if there is total and complete reversal of negative thinking about oneself. We can use the metaphor of the course of antibiotics stopped before its completion—or expecting a proper birth of a child after only two months in the womb—or the incorrect setting of a broken bone by taking the cast of prematurely.

Should we not be looking at treatment that extends itself to when the patient is well, or strong enough to continue with the loving support of a kind circumstance, rather than when insurance runs out—when the program is completed?

Perhaps, then, the onus will not rest on the shoulders of those emotionally incapable of serving themselves, but rather, will be shared by encouraging, visionary therapists who, themselves, are sometimes frustrated with their administrative limitations.

Thank you for your time.

Peace and Love.

Accolades

Often times I hear said,

“What is wrong with me?”

“What is wrong with her? What is wrong with him?”

“She has everything going for her—good background, excellent marks, awards, money, talents—she is the most amazing artist, he is a gifted musician, she is the top player on her volleyball team, he is the fastest runner, skater, we’ve ever seen—she is the best at anything she does. She could have a brilliant future. We have given him everything. What more can we do? We just don’t understand what has happened to our son—our daughter.”

“She never fails at anything--except the programs she has been in and THOSE she fails at EVERYTIME.”

“She was the nicest kid; he was the most considerate of all of our children—BEFORE these OCD and eating problems arose. We just don’t get it. We don’t know our child anymore.”

I hear these remarks so often with overwhelming sadness at the misunderstanding involved, both for the parents and therapists—also for the disapproval I know the people suffering from ‘CNC’ will undoubtedly sense and feel—again confirming their negative condition.

The reality is, that accolades are acutrements to the external world of a person’s being. People assay to attain their perceived expectations of themselves and their assumed expectation from others.

“You are wonderful!”

“Bravo for what you have done.”

“Imagine what you could do if you really tried.”

‘Congratulations,’ so well intended by the giver, to these sensitive minds can sometimes have the opposite effect of what is meant. In their efforts to be unselfishly, forever pleasing, they strive beyond the norm—beyond, sometimes, what is humanly possible. Therein, begins the downward spiral of self-disapproval and the seeds of ‘Confirmed Negativity Condition.’

Remember, accolades are external. Finally, what the rest of the world sees as ‘attributes’ or ‘characteristics’ of a person, become relatively meaningless to the sufferer of ‘CNC’. What is important to understand, is that, the ‘Emotional Mind’ has unwittingly suffered insufficiency of love and unintentional neglect from its host person in the unchecked, insatiable quest to feel whole—ultimately, to please others, to right the world of all its malaise. “The world is on my shoulders.” The inadvertent message to the ‘Emotional Mind’—you are less than successful—finally,—you are a loser—has finally, become a self-fulfilling prophecy in their minds. Also, parents, and other people, in the particular circumstance of the growing child, have innocently participated in its dissolution by taking the child at its word:

“I can do it!”

“I can fix it!”

“I will look after her.”

“Here, let me.”

“No, I don’t mind babysitting.”

“Doesn’t matter if it is not my turn, I’ll do it anyway.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make the lunches. You sleep in.”

“No, no, it’s ok. You can be later than one. I am not tired. There is nothing important happening at school tomorrow anyway.”

The child, in many cases, becomes involved in co-parenting.

The parents, in many cases, in their own moments of emotional insecurity, come to lean on the kindness extended by their sensitive child—and come to expect it (“You can count on me”).

In reality, the child—then, as years go on—remains the ‘Emotional Child’—unnurtured, expected to cope in an adult body—so capable externally, while withering internally.

You are all so special and so cherished—and so understood.

Why The Emotional Mind Is Arrested

I was astounded, in my ignorance, that my children became ill with anorexia because they defied what was then explained about that patient population. Only retrospectively, did I realize that they had had previous symptoms: OCD related, anxiety manifestations. They had always been the best children—the most polite—the most fun—the most obliging—the most intelligent—the most caring—the best company—the most sensitive to other people’s needs. Over the years, since they have become well, these attributes have been confirmed in other sufferers of ‘CNC’.

It appears that, in their attempts to provide comfort to anyone in pain—to mediate, to console, to take responsibility, to parent those around them, basically, to ‘make everything better for EVERYONE’, they, sadly, left themselves out of the equation. It became apparent to me that always putting themselves last, in other words, always putting anyone and everyone else first, played nasty retribution in their own minds. The fact of actually diminishing themselves mentally over time, left the mind washed of their emotional, and ultimately, their physical, importance. At their inadvertent suggestion, strengthened and confirmed by the unawareness of people in the sufferer’s circumstance, the ‘Emotional Mind’ took them at their word, and declared them (in not so gentle terms) “worthless” etc.

Perhaps, and hopefully, the following quotes, taken from letters to me, will serve to enlighten you, as readers, with the ultimate purpose of creating more understanding.

***************

After twenty years of fighting against the ‘Negative Mind’: “I am so tired of taking care of everyone.”

“It’s alright, Daddy. Don’t worry, I can fix everything—just go rest.”

“I watched myself from outside of my body, trying SO hard keep anyone from discovering the truth about how horrible I was. I blamed myself. I should have done something, I should have figured out a way to make everything okay... but I couldn't.”

“I had a meeting yesterday with my psychologist. I can't stand up for myself, and let him know how I really feel. I can't do anything else but smile and say “ok”. I feel so much lonelier now than I did before the meeting.”

“I’m really interested in what you do because I have been fighting the ‘Negative Mind’ and anorexia for 10 years. It is really hell, but I hope to learn something good from all the suffering because I want to help young people avoid getting to this place—but I don’t know how.”

“I first became anorexic when I was twelve and had it until I was 19, but at that time, my father died whom I was very close to. So, I gained weight because people were worried about me. However, I was unable to tolerate the weight gain and bulimia then set in.”

“I feel so much worse that I've been "faking" recovery to please everyone.”

And another, similarly, said:

“I don’t deserve to even exist. I just want to disappear forever. I feel like one huge mistake I've been "faking" recovery to please everyone…but I’m dying inside.”

*****************

Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. Love you.

Chronological Age vs Emotional Age

Often times I hear, “I should know better. I am 37 years old--I am 47 years old. I can’t seem to get my life together. I am hurting everybody. What is wrong with me? I would love to have someone take me in their arms like a child and just hold me.”

These statements illustrate the distress, the quandary, in the minds of sufferers of ‘CNC’ . In some circumstances, chronological age can have very little to do with emotional age. Physical aging happens to us inevitably, whatever else is going on in our lives. We have little control about that process. Emotional age can be deterred, interrupted, or arrested, depending on sensitivity, perception, circumstance, and our ability to allow ourselves to be nurtured.

Early on, I realized that an emotional child could be any age. The problem with this reality is that it is not always (or hardly ever) recognized as such. Therefore, the expectation—the norm—is to treat the sufferer according to his/her chronological presentation rather than to nurture that person according to his/her emotional need.

It is my experience, that understanding a person from his/her emotional need—presentation, is an essential starting point to beginning the healing process.

Have a wonderful day. Peace and Love.

Counterproductive Crossroads

One of the things I have always felt incredibly sad about for the sufferers of the ‘Negative Mind’—and also for those who lack awareness of ‘CNC’—is hearing the terms “treatment resistant”, “noncompliant” or “You will not want to take me because I have failed every program that I have been in”.

I feel, from my understanding of this disorder, that though the behavior of the sufferer may make one assume that there is resistance to treatment or noncompliance, this inability to be in accordance with therapy is consistent with the insistence of the ‘Negative Mind’, rather than be the wish of the ‘Actual Mind’—the real, the potential person. Because of this seemingly uncooperative attitude, patients are frequently ‘kicked out’ of treatment. Remember, at the point of symptomatology, the ‘Negative Mind’ is the stronger part of the mind—it is the ‘boss’. If this were otherwise, the ‘Actual Mind’ would not be in the position of having to endure insults, all day, internally. If these insults, or, even if faint indications of disapproval are apparent to the patient, the ‘Negative Mind’ is confirmed, yet, again. So, to ‘fail a program’ merely reiterates the negative non-sense the sufferer already supposes about himself/herself. So, with this ignorance, we have arrived at a counterproductive crossroads. We are making the sufferer responsible because of chronological age, rather than emotional ability (this topic I will discuss in its own blog post next time).

Remember, you are not guilty. You are terrified and terrorized. You are a hostage in your own mind.

We understand this.

Peace and love.

The Illusion of No Choice

When my daughter suffered from anorexia, I was startled one evening to realize the existence of two minds. It became very apparent that who was my daughter, was trying, unobtrusively, to let me in on a secret without the other part of her mind realizing she was doing so. Quietly, covertly, she was attempting to teach me how to help her—how to fight the ‘Negative Mind’. So, she whispered; she wrote so small that I could hardly read it; she hid these messages in containers that she knew I would dust; she would never allow a normal-sized plate to be put in front of her, instead, she ate small bits from mine. In this way, the ‘Negative Mind’ could never accuse her of having had a meal. For instance, she could not make even simple choices because she was not allowed to—such as if she would like to go for a walk, to a coffee shop, to a movie, what clothes to wear—it would always have to be my choice. Yes, she is a kind, sensitive person who always wanted to please other people, but this was more intense. She was so small mentally—so fragile in her mind, she needed someone who understood, to guide her, to help her develop to a place of strength. She was not allowed to expose what her mind was telling her. I understand now that she was not even permitted to participate in normal events for fear of recrimination from her internal, mental enemy. It became obvious that she had to inform me, instruct me, without actually saying the words.

In order to be onside, to be a team player with the sufferer of ‘CNC’, I had to be aware of every nuance she or he was trying to deliver to me. An example of this is of a twelve-year old boy who did not have the courage to eat until he called me. Though he was with someone twenty-four hours a day, he needed extra permission from me to eat so that he could not be accused by his mind of deciding this for himself.

This is what he said, “Peggy, will I have to go back into the state psychiatric ward if I do not eat?” My answer was always the same, “Well--so they tell me, honey.” Being with us was, to him, the preferable option. He then said, “Thank you! Thank you, Peggy! Alright then, I will have my lunch.” The relief in his voice was unmistakable.

He was creating the ‘illusion of no choice’ for himself as a means of fooling the ‘Negative Mind’. In this way, he was able to enlist me to help him help himself. This is a very good indication and example of people wanting to be well, but not thinking they deserve it. If what they are going through is appropriately understood, a sufferer is very willing to form a liason with therapy for their betterment. Understand that this is a exceptionally brave move on the part of the host person because it does not go completely unpunished by the ‘Negative Mind.’

Big hugs to everyone--peace and love.

What the Secret Language is All About

I was going to name my first book The Language of Eating Disorders, because it is a separate language, one that is obscure to normal logic. But to those who understand what is going on in the mind and the motivation of the behavior, the illogical logic makes so much sense. Shortly before publication, I received a fax from a sufferer asking me, “How do you know the secret that we are not allowed to tell?” So, I immediately changed the title to The Secret Language of Eating Disorders, which was definitely more apt—more appropriate.

The idea of that book was to translate, to all that could not understand at first contact, what eating disorders are all about—their source and what was necessary, from my perception and experience with my own two children, to reverse ‘Confirmed Negativity Condition’.

The sufferers of CNC—eating disorders and other anxiety manifestations—are not allowed to seek help. The ‘Negative Mind’ forbids them the right to bother people because they are not worthy, because in their minds it is ‘their fault’ that they are ‘crazy’, ‘worthless’, ‘selfish’, ‘needy’, reliant, ugly, fat, useless, etc. When they do, somehow, reach out, they are immediately punished, often unmercifully. Everything they do has to be with some compromise to the ‘Negative Mind’. If he or she does not comply with the order of the ‘internal enemy’, it can (in the mind of the sufferer) even threaten the well-being family members. Because the victims of CNC are so caring about everyone else, the threats, depending on the individual, relate to that individual’s biggest anxieties. In reality, at least from the sufferer’s point of view, they are held emotional hostage by the ‘internal enemy’. In my experience, the only way to relieve them of that responsibility is for the therapist (or other carers), with the patient’s agreement, to become the negotiator and the mediator, to assume responsibility for the interim, until the individual begins to regain his or her strength.

If this mind-state is not recognized by the therapist, I cannot imagine how he or she can experience success.

I hope your day is better than the last one. Always look for and find the positive, even if it is elusive. We are there with you. With hugs and so much love.

Who Will I Be Without 'The Negative Mind?'

Oftentimes I hear said, “But if I give up anorexia, who will I be? I won’t know myself, I won’t know HOW to be.”

When emotional development is arrested, an individual has little direction in that area. The ‘self’ is lost. Therefore, during this time, it is difficult and almost impossible to make positive choices about anything. Most things become a panic of indecision. The sufferer feels she can never do anything right, and everybody else’s opinions are more valid. The negative way she feels about herself is subjectively encouraged and, over time, compounded, so that ‘anorexia’, despite its detrimental consequences, becomes an interim identity.

“I haven’t got rid of my demons yet...but its kind of hard...it feels like half of me doesn’t want to...I feel protected as this anorexic woman now, it feels like its me and its my illness/excuse/protector, it hides everything that’s wrong with me. I just don’t know where to go and what to do now...”

She has been like this for ten years.

When I read these words and hear these questions, I am reminded of when I talked to battered women in a shelter, ‘a safe house’, who for a long time kept going back to their abusive situations because it was ‘the known’. The difference between this and ‘Confirmed Negativity Condition’ is only, that, their abusers are external rather than internal. Either way, with compassion, consistency, love, trust, and presenting possibility, the victims can be gently persuaded to see a more positive side for their future—and, to then, begin to work to repair the damage that has been done.

Most people are afraid of change—‘the unknown factor’. Despite the repercussions of remaining static, they cling to familiarity, even at the risk of their lives, and certainly, with the possibility or probability of living unnecessarily, painfully compromised existences.

With CNC, the ‘Negative Mind’ attempts to convince the sufferer that it is its friend, its protector. “In psychology, Stockholm syndrome is a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims” (wikipedia.com). With CNC, and hence, its manifestations, e.g. eating disorders, one part of the mind, the then diminished, logical part, watches helplessly as the emotional mind is taken hostage.

Here are quotes from a poem written by one of my past patients (from my first book).

I hear cries from the shrinking self:

“No one can see me or

Watch me watching myself walking

Into walls.”

I hear the despair:

“Scuffed faces stained with defeat observe

The still existence of themselves and others.”

I love you all so much. Take care of yourself in a positive way each day.

"Rivers of Feeling"

I am introducing a story today that will touch your hearts. I wish the world could run faster to stem the flow, the pain that exists in humanity. I go to bed every night feeling that if I could, I would trade places with those suffering—to give them solace—even for a day. Here is an example of acute sensitivity. Fortunately, there are those of us who are solid in recognition of ourselves and we are able help from a strong, secure place. Then it becomes ok to feel this much. We do not need a shell to protect us because having feelings is human. Emotional health is balanced and tempered with logic and objectivity.

i want to share what i remember from you being here, while doing your book tour. you won't remember me, because there were so many people, but there is beauty in here somewhere and i just want you to know what i remember. you are so much braver than me, that much is obvious.

~~~velvet black casualish dress, a zipper up the middle bugging me slightly. i'm overdressed, typical, there are others here in tanks and jeans. sit up front, good students sit there. her eyes, my gosh, her eyes. so much more she speaks with her eyes than with her words. i've read the book so i'm paying far more attention to what her face says because i'm enthralled. i clutch my book tightly, making notes on a bit of paper, to not sully the pages within.

weird little world here. i wonder why there are so many of us. [My town] is relatively small but the ED units are always busy. my friend works there so i know. my own little rural town full of competition consciousness churned out many patients. i hope i don't see anyone i know.

so many people, the pain is so real, so big, and suddenly i am very, very small. though up front, i wait for the middle of the line, to not stand out and i succeed i think. people usually stare at me but not as much tonight. i hurt for those that are being stared at, i know that discomfort. the table is wide, and she sits in the center. i turn over my book and wonder why i didn't leave before now.

i must have asked something, she says something loving and sweet to me. do not cry, do not cry, hurry up. my face must be purple even in contrast to the dim room and black dress. there is more there in her eyes because she sees the pain, she feels it, she must get exhausted with it all, and i break that contact. she scans the line, the room, the ones waiting behind and to my right, the ones who need her most. i can feel what she's feeling. it hurts so much. it makes such little sense. it was never supposed to be like this.

it will be another six years before i can make some sense of it,

even if it doesn't make sense to the world.

i slip silently away, back to my car in the garage.

To [Me] with much Love and Hugs, Peggy Claude Pierre

the Love and Hugs capital, interesting. a fax number in the binding. she writes a lot bigger than me. her P's much different than mine. the tears slip down my face, rivers of feeling that nobody has succeeded in understanding. isn't pain just pain? what's wrong with me? why doesn't anybody understand?

i pray for the others in that room. i pray that things will wrap up soon, it's already late. i pray for Peggy to be okay, to not feel so intently, to be able to sleep. i shove back my tears because i have to drive now, to go back to my life, not telling where i've been, smiling on the outside.~~~

i've never forgotten that night, Peggy. you may have been more comfortable that night than anyone. it was hard to sit there and not want to slip into a pocket in your shirt and go away to some soft place. i cried while i listened to you, silent tears quickly caught with tissue. i had other people counting on me. i always do. the soft place wasn't for me. being in that room it was so obvious. there's a lot of internal conflict in my brain and heart. i'm tired a lot lately so it makes it a lot worse. i'll try really hard to not judge my feelings so much. when you say nice things to me it's like a trip wire that sends a barrage of negativity back to me because, well, i don't know why exactly, it just happens.* it was easier to hope back then. twelve years is a long time for an erosion of hope. even one drop per hour on a large rock over that time would cause a deep fissure.

i will remain watchful of your blog and i am always grateful for you telling the truth.

*At this point, in this stage, if anybody is kind to the sufferer, the ‘Negative Mind will fight back with a vengeance to retain its status. As well the sufferer is always the last to deserve anything. In his or her mind, every other person is more worthy than she is. Because of this way of thinking, it is VERY difficult for the CNC sufferer to ask for help.

With love, understanding, and persistence in caring for each individual sufferer from her community of support, strides can be made to alter negative thinking.