Who Will I Be Without 'The Negative Mind?'

Oftentimes I hear said, “But if I give up anorexia, who will I be? I won’t know myself, I won’t know HOW to be.”

When emotional development is arrested, an individual has little direction in that area. The ‘self’ is lost. Therefore, during this time, it is difficult and almost impossible to make positive choices about anything. Most things become a panic of indecision. The sufferer feels she can never do anything right, and everybody else’s opinions are more valid. The negative way she feels about herself is subjectively encouraged and, over time, compounded, so that ‘anorexia’, despite its detrimental consequences, becomes an interim identity.

“I haven’t got rid of my demons yet...but its kind of hard...it feels like half of me doesn’t want to...I feel protected as this anorexic woman now, it feels like its me and its my illness/excuse/protector, it hides everything that’s wrong with me. I just don’t know where to go and what to do now...”

She has been like this for ten years.

When I read these words and hear these questions, I am reminded of when I talked to battered women in a shelter, ‘a safe house’, who for a long time kept going back to their abusive situations because it was ‘the known’. The difference between this and ‘Confirmed Negativity Condition’ is only, that, their abusers are external rather than internal. Either way, with compassion, consistency, love, trust, and presenting possibility, the victims can be gently persuaded to see a more positive side for their future—and, to then, begin to work to repair the damage that has been done.

Most people are afraid of change—‘the unknown factor’. Despite the repercussions of remaining static, they cling to familiarity, even at the risk of their lives, and certainly, with the possibility or probability of living unnecessarily, painfully compromised existences.

With CNC, the ‘Negative Mind’ attempts to convince the sufferer that it is its friend, its protector. “In psychology, Stockholm syndrome is a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims” (wikipedia.com). With CNC, and hence, its manifestations, e.g. eating disorders, one part of the mind, the then diminished, logical part, watches helplessly as the emotional mind is taken hostage.

Here are quotes from a poem written by one of my past patients (from my first book).

I hear cries from the shrinking self:

“No one can see me or

Watch me watching myself walking

Into walls.”

I hear the despair:

“Scuffed faces stained with defeat observe

The still existence of themselves and others.”

I love you all so much. Take care of yourself in a positive way each day.

Responsible for the World

Dear Friends,

I remember a very little girl telling me years ago, just as we started the clinic, that the pain in her head was so frightening that sometimes she did not know what to do, but to let me hold her. I said, “Darling, I wish I could take that nasty voice out of your head right now and put it in mine, because I am not at all afraid of it, and I would scare him away forever.”

She started to cry inconsolably and scream, holding on to me so tightly, “No! No! No! Don’t ever let him into your head! No, I can’t ever let him hurt you—you are too nice! Don’t ever say that, don’t ever invite him in, he says he will never go away. He will hurt you too much.”

I remember being shocked at the intensity of her fear and pain. It made me realize, yet again, how so very terrifying this inner, controlling voice of the ‘Negative Mind’ was (and is—in others), and how responsible for the world these sufferers feel.

Here are some recent examples of the power of the ‘Negative Mind’ and of how kind and caring about other people these sensitive individuals are--and why it is impossible not to love them or ignore their cause.

“I don't think I'm a martyr at all. It's just that the world hurts and I have to help shift it. Maybe that's naive or even inept. I've tried my whole life to figure this out and nothing changes, except the world seems to hurt more. I know some people just feel this, because I can sense that when I meet them, it's just that it's very uncommon. It seems some of us were created to absorb the pain for others so they will hurt less.”

“But it makes me sad that you do know [the secret language] - in some ways because I feel like for you to know you had to experience this pain on some level. I worry that if I opened up to anyone that for them to understand the depths of this...they would have to feel it on some level. I would not willingly allow anyone anywhere near this. Never.”

These sentiments keep me humble. I am honored that I have the opportunity and the mandate to make their ‘actual’ voices heard.

Please help me to positively profile these people who are silently suffering.

Thank you and have a wonderful day.

'Your Brother's Keeper'

Today I would like to write specifically to a group of sufferers who daily condone, and therefore confirm, the negative mind. In my new interaction on facebook, and for some years past, I have sadly come across many Pro-Ana sites. A Pro-Ana site makes a shrine to anorexia—and all eating disorders. Though I have the deepest respect for people’s right to express themselves, I have also some serious concerns that I would like to share with all of you.

In my understanding, an eating disorder is one symptom, of many possible symptoms, that come from a devastating, seriously devalued sense of self. This lack of, or diminished, self has taken time to develop to the point of its manifestation. I call it ‘Confirmed Negativity Condition’. CNC is the incorporation—the end result—the culmination of negative thoughts about one’s self over time. The then ‘Negative Mind’ repeats daily—hourly—in every moment—its conclusion about you—to you. It is never nice. It is an internal, incessant enemy of one’s potential self. It is a LIAR—An ABUSER of the worst kind. It attempts to deflate any dream, any possibility. It grabs the innocent.

IT IS REVERSIBLE.

Through ignorance and unawareness of this mind-state, all of us in the world, at one time or another, have been guilty of irresponsibility; of not understanding; of bystander apathy--for all the apparently best reasons—such as: to not interfere in somebody else’s life, not knowing what to do, mixed messages from the experts, contradictory messages from the media, not understanding the motivation behind the behavior, fear of the drain, the time, and the commitment of such emotional involvement, etc.

Most people with an eating disorder have a negative dialogue, a ‘voice’ or negative pressure, internally. Pro-Ana sites, hopefully unwittingly, continue to confirm this dialogue externally. Perhaps this happens from a feeling, initially, of helplessness, which over time becomes a hopelessness. I hear from so many people who have suffered terribly for years, and then--years again. Can’t reach out without being blamed. The other sufferers are the only ones who can relate. What to do? A sub-culture? No way out? Can’t beat it, so join it? So, therefore, be together in order to not feel alone—to validate your compromised existence in some distorted, destructive way? Is this really, in your minds, the only option we have left you? “Misery loves company”? Have we failed you so? Because…………………….

I cannot imagine that what can appear to me as unconscionable under the guise of camaraderie is actually intended by you:

Comparison of weight-- “I ate only this many calories today, sweetie, how about you? Did you stay under that number? Did you meet your goal? Let’s set a lower one for tomorrow.”—therefore, lessening the chances of survival of your fellow sufferer, and sometimes, your best friend.

Comparison of strategies—“How many laxatives did you use? How many times did you purge today? How many miles did you run?”—therefore, lessening the chances of survival of your fellow sufferer, and sometimes, your best friend.

EATING DISORDERS, again, ARE REVERSIBLE.

I can only hope that the Pro-Ana sites exist out of desperation—because of the inability to reach out to loved ones for help. I just wish you to know that you are feeding the ‘Negative Mind’ which, in turn, increases its power over you. Would you not like it stopped? Would you not like to know who you really are?

Most people in life are followers. You have the ability to be a leader in a constructive way. You are beautiful, thinking, precious, individuals who have not had a chance to know or believe in yourselves. There is another way, albeit much harder. Re-train your brain—in a positive way. Spend every day thinking in contrast to the messages you have in your head. Do this for your friends as well. Encourage them every day, and they will do it for you. Compare notes to wellness. Use your imagination to your own and your friends’ positive benefit. You ARE your brother’s keeper, and they are yours. Start a new trend. Use your energy in a way that will extend life, not shorten it. You are not the ‘Negative Mind’. Then, see how you feel—being well. At least, give yourself the choice—do not sell yourself short. Do not accept defeat.

We love you, and we need you in our world as who you really can be—as who you really are.

The 'Negative Mind' is a Manipulator

The ‘Negative Mind’ is a MANIPULATOR.

A curious and heartbreaking example of the manipulation and strength of persuasion of the ‘Negative Mind’ became clear when my daughter was deadly anorexic. I used to drive her around our city to distract her from her emotional pain, usually from one to four o’clock in the morning. Of course, she could not sleep, her body was hunting for nourishment.

One night, much to my dismay, we passed a man who was in a wheelchair. I hoped that my daughter would not notice him because she worried about everyone, as most sensitive people are. I glanced at him, but then looked quickly away—hoping my daughter would not see the direction of my gaze. After a moment, I looked sideways slightly to see if she had seen him. Silent tears were streaming down her face. I choked, and said, “Honey, look at him. He is so well dressed. His white shirt is cleaned and ironed. His black pants are immaculate. Somebody loves him and is taking care of him.”

She answered with a sob, “I see that mom. But his time, I am not crying about him. I am crying about myself—his pain is evident—nobody will ever know about mine.”

This is one testimony only, to the fact that anorexics oftentimes cannot realize how physically compromised they appear to the rest of the world, but not to themselves. As we all know, the ‘Negative Mind’ convinces its victims that they are selfish in order for it to stay in control. To keep them in a starving, diminished mode, it is necessary for the ‘Negative Mind’ to make them think they look normal, or even bigger than normal.

‘Confirmed Negativity Condition’ initiates an overbalanced negative tape that berates incessantly inside its victim’s head. It is a culmination of negative thinking about one’s self over time that must be reversed over time.

DO NOT believe anything negative that your head tells you about yourself. Cling to those people who you have always trusted. Listen to what they say, and talk to them. Tell them what is going on. Surround yourself with people who are optimistic and positive. You are not guilty. You are not crazy. You are not undeserving. You have a kindness towards others that needs to include yourself. The world cannot do without your sensitivity, in its proper place. You are loved and needed.